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Friday, June 24, 2005

Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'

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  • Britney Spears nude photo shoot? And pregnant? And how will the child feel about this once he/she is in high school? And does Demi Moore get any retro-credit?

  • All I can say is anything that puts the chill on ratemyboobies.com is probably a bad, censorous thing. Just make sure all pics are accompanied with a visible, valid driver's license.

  • Don't tell our mascot Suzie, but big busts are going flat...

  • I would think just saying 'no' would have been sufficient.

  • Man, woman, who the hell cares? It's TASMANIA!!!!
  • Tuesday, June 21, 2005

    Saddam Racks Up New Product Placement Deals

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    In the wake of Saddam Hussein's lucrative Hanes Underoos pictorial in the London Mirror, the former dictator has now racked up a bevy of new product placements in his Iraqi jail cell. Look for Doritos, Raisin Bran Crunch and Cheetos to capitalize on the latest Saddam fever sweeping marketing circles.

    "If it's good enough for a deposed, mass-murdering dictator, it's good enough for me and my family," said Becky Heltwatter, homemaker in Bethesda, Maryland. "I'm betting a family sized bag of Doritos would feed us all for a week if we were to end up in some god-forsaken spider hole somewhere in the desert."

    Thursday, June 16, 2005

    Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'

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  • I don't think this is what we had in mind when we signed NAFTA...
  • ...and she only got 30 days? Stupidity alone would dictate a year behind bars.
  • They're so starved for a good meal, it is consuming them....
  • But what if you prefer quantity over quality??? That's when you dig into the Jennifer Garner files, I guess.
  • This is NO JOKE; it can't be...it's in Norwegian...
  • World Naked Bike Ride

    OK, so now it seems that any social cause at all is reason to flaunt your nude body in public. The latest is the World Naked Bike Ride to protest the dependence on fossil fuel. (Warning, may not be safe for work...)

    So I can see riding bikes in protest of oil. Makes aesthetic sense. But nude bike riding? C'mon.

    According to the site (of course they have a site!) "We face automobile traffic with our naked bodies as the best way of defending our dignity and exposing the unique dangers faced by cyclists and pedestrians as well as negative consequences we all face due to the dependence on oil, and other forms of non-renewable energy."1


    I've been an avid cyclist for over 20 years, and here's just a few 'unique dangers' nude cyclists are really facing:

  • Sunburned buttocks
  • Scrotal and labial friction burns from the bike seat
  • Active and derisive cat-calls from pedestrians as they see flabby baby boomers bouncing along pot-hole strewn thoroughfares

    It is good to see, however, that as the cyclists seem to have no regard for the safety of their respective genitals and breasts, most are wearing helmets. I guess cranial injury is one 'unique danger' they are not willing to risk for the cause.

    1. Grammarian's note: this is the grossest example of faulty parallel sentence structure ever witnessed in left-wing, babble-speak prose.
  • Movie Theaters RIP?

    This survey done by AP-IPSOS has Hollywood's silk undies in a bundle, and for good reason. A few facts:

  • 69% feel Hollywood actors make poor role models
  • 47% think movies are getting worse
  • A whopping 77% would rather watch at home than go to the theater

    With a 6500% (that's right 6 thousand 5 hundred!) markup on popcorn, a 2500% markup on soda and 8-10 dollar ticket prices, can you blame us? Not to mention, at home I don't have to put up with the jerk in front of me talking throughout the whole movie.

    With High Definition DVDs rolling out this year, the quality on home systems will actually be better than in most 'analog' movie houses. Look for this to accelerate the trend toward home viewing.
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    Hollywood, with declining revenues from movie theaters will have to contain costs somehow. Hint: it won't be production values-- what's Star Wars without great special effects? We're spoiled by slick animation and spectacular visuals.

    So where can they trim fat? When you dovetail the public's attitude about movie stars with declining revenue, the answer is as plain as the nose on Barbra Streisand's face. Sure, great actors add a tremendous dimension to a film. But are they worth the big bucks Hollywood now dishes out?

    A smart, new movie studio would go one better and return to the 'under contract' arrangements of the 1920s to 1950s.
  • Friday, June 03, 2005

    Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'

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  • Perv 54 Where Are You?
  • Brothel Museum Heist: Wild West Dildos Missing
  • Giving new meaning to the term 'in the closet.' I wonder if anyone has the film rights on this one yet...
  • When are we going to quit screwing around with these unfortunate bugs? It's bad enough the little dudes only live a few hours, now they have to spend their last remaining seconds figuring out their gender identity.
  • Lost in Translation?

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    Kim Il Jong Palace, NORTH KOREA-- in a statement hasitly released this morning, North Korea's President for Life, Kim Il Jong said his statement yesterday was grossly mistranslated. "Commander Il Jong was refering to Mr. Cheney's thirst for Budweiser beer, not blood," said a spokesperson for Il Jong. "Ever since this 'Team America' crap, the Commander has seen his words twisted every which way." The spokesperson went on to say that Kim Il Jong was satisfied with Bush's reference to him as 'Mister,' but would have prefered the common North Korean moniker be used-- 'Mister Commander for Life and All He Surveys.'

    Scott McClellen, White House spokesperson said,"Bud-thirsty is a most unfortunate re-interpretation. The Vice President can't be seen to endorse any commercial product whatsoever. We prefer 'blood-thirsty.' In fact we can say with some confidence that the Vice President does indeed eat three or four raw steaks a day."

    Trey Parker, director of 'Team Amer-licka' could not be reached for comment.

    Tuesday, May 24, 2005

    Testicular Hand-Off Ends Partisan Squabble

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    In a rare personable meeting, Senator Bill Frist discretely hands his testicles to Democrat Harry Reid. Reid acknowledged, "It's good to have Bill's balls where I want them. I would have preferred he shaved them first, but I can't be too choosy."

    "I just hope he takes good care of them," said Frist. "After all, he doesn't have much experience with owning a pair. Pelosi, yes, but Harry?"

    Senator McCrain [R-AZ], who performed the castration, could not be reached for comment.

    Saturday, May 21, 2005

    Saddam Signs Lucrative Deal with Hanes

    Official SpokesModel for Captain America Underoos
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    Friday, May 20, 2005

    Summer Tips

    When opening your pool for the summer, sprinkle liberally with chlorine, suck algae out carefully, wear a hazmat suit. Now you're ready to begin opening the pool. Can water really smell this funky and NOT kill you?

    Tuesday, May 17, 2005

    Summers Simmers in New Sultry Threads

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    Boston, MA - Harvard president Larry Summers has taken on a new $50 million make-over after being roundly criticized for his comments on the differences between men and women. "How could I have been so wrong? Do you know how simply divine a full silk blouse feels against your skin?" he asked reporters, modelling his latest threads. The multi-million dollar wardrobe also includes fully redundant diversity positions at the University, as well as new training in makeup application for men. "I still am having difficulties with lip gloss," Summers added. "Who knew it took such manual dexterity to get the right effect."

    Monday, May 16, 2005

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    Michelle has a honkin' horde o' link on this story...

    Friday, May 13, 2005

    Rumsfeld Closes Arkansas

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    Washington, D.C.- In addition to advocating the closing of 33 military bases across the U.S., Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced the government would close the entire state of Arkansas as well. "We'll save millions. And most people living their won't notice a damned thing," added the Secretary. The Pentagon said in a related statement that this was a forward-looking project. "We figure the next step may be combining North and South Dakota. Who the hell knows the difference unless they live there?" asked an anonymous Pentagon analyst. Iowa could not be reached for comment. Also under consideration is selling off mid-sized cities in Ohio. "Cleveland, Cincinnati, Columbus. They all start with the letter 'C', they all have the same damned donut shops and malls, and they sure were a pain in the ass during the last election," Rumsfeld continued.

    Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'

    'Start Me Up' Tour

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    AP- New York, NY- Holding a press conference at the Juliard School of Music in New York, the Rolling Stones announced their 'Start Me Up' 2005 tour. Mick Jagger, perennial rocker for the the world's oldest rock 'n roll band, said they are using the tour to introduce their 'Start Me Up' Rolling Stones at-home defibrillator.
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    "Charlie's used this bugger about six or seven times last year," said Mick, "So we stand behind the quality." The Stones' 'Start Me Up' Defrib will be sold exclusively through Virgin Records, and comes with a bonus Stones DVD, all for just $159.

    'Start Me Up' Tour Dates:

    Mayo Clinic June 11
    Loyola Medical June 14
    Johns Hopkins June 18
    Cincinnati Heart Hospital June 20
    Indianapolis Cardiac Care June 30-July 4
    University of Chicago Hospitals All of August

    Tuesday, May 10, 2005

    Butt-Ugly Lemur Proves Darwin's Theory

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    "I mean, c'mon," said Dr. Frank Medalius, zoology professer at Rutgers. "If God were a hands-on Creationist kinda guy, would He ever allow this creature to suck air?...unless He were on 'shrooms or something. Then all bets are off."

    Bush Test-Fires Hand-Held SDI

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    AP - MOSCOW - In a move to further dispirit the former Soviet Union, President Bush test-fired a hand-held SDI on the streets of Moscow as Vladimir Putin and wife looked on. The powerful laser only took out an Indian telecommunications satellite dedicated to providing telephone support for Dell Computers, however.

    Friday, May 06, 2005

    Weird Science

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  • I know some people who have lived their whole stinkin' lives like this.
  • But, dude! What'll we do for BREAKFAST then?
  • I don't know about your kid, but mine would leave his draped over a chair in the library then run out to wreak havoc on the neighborhood.
  • Better than scattering your ashes off a mountaintop?
  • What's raising our IQ scores? I just know it isn't Rosie O'Donnell video-epics...
  • Perspective

    So I wake up to the dog puking on the carpet... Again. (Eating too many grass clippings.)...my son complaining that I'm packing him a corned beef sandwich for the third day in a row for lunch... this cold, a virus created in the bowels of Hades itself with the resolve and fortitude of an Amway distributor, clings to every mucous membrane in my head...I forgot to sign the damned field trip permission slip and wash the Little League uniform...but crap. Get your heads around this, Moms and Dads.

    (h/t Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller)

    Wednesday, May 04, 2005

    Light Blogging As I Give Final Exams

    Here are questions from the test:

  • If an English metaphysical poet has dinner with a South American fabulist novelist, who should pick up the check?
  • In Don Delillo's Libra is Lee Harvey Oswald an atypical anti-hero or just gay?
  • True or False: Russell Bank's Trailer Park is a post-modern Canterbury Tales for folks tired of non-standard Middle-English gibberish spoken by populist pilgrams.
  • Self-reflexive narration: string-theory onanism or quantum masturbation?
  • Describe in a 500 word essay how scary it would be to have a menage a trois with Margaret Atwood and Norman Mailer.

    ...this is the Internet, so I expect CHEATING.
  • Friday, April 29, 2005

    Someone Remind Me Later...

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    ...to clip my toenails. I'm going on a date tonight with my fiancée. And while we're on the topic, you might want to take off your socks in your cubicle right now and check your own. Couldn't hurt.

    Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'

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  • Gives a fresh meaning to the term 'Adult Education.'
  • Vote your preference for 'Lusty Lieutenants' at Texas Best Grok.
  • I thought the thrill was when you tried to pull this whole thing off crammed into a lavatory the size of a shoe box with the faucet jammed into your backside?
  • I know I've always liked petite women.
  • Sometimes those Llama Butchers ask some very stoopid questions.
  • A lot of guys will see this as a too-obvious metaphor. For her sake, I hope that's a Grant folded up.
  • Thursday, April 28, 2005

    Historical Halitosis

    According to Cecil's Straight Dope:

    Dear Cecil:

    Is it true that Thomas Edison's last breath is preserved in a test tube at the Henry Ford Museum outside Detroit? --Listener, Mike Murphy show, KCMO radio, Kansas City, Missouri

    Cecil replies:

    What's with you guys in KC? Einstein's brain wasn't enough? As a matter of fact, Edison's last breath is preserved at the Henry Ford Museum, after a fashion. Ford was a great admirer of Edison's, having once served as chief engineer at the Detroit Edison Company; later the two became fast friends. Ford re-created Edison's Menlo Park workshop in Greenfield Village, the collection of historic buildings next to the Ford museum, and it's possible he wanted to re-create Edison himself, after a manner of speaking. Supposedly Ford asked Edison's son Charles to hold a test tube next to his father's mouth when he breathed his last in 1931. Ford's motive for this odd request is obscure. He is known to have been interested in reincarnation, and some say he thought the spirit exited the body with one's last breath; ergo, what he was collecting was essence of Edison, no doubt for reconstitution at some later date. Others say he just wanted a souvenir of his departed buddy. Whatever the case, it's likely that any Edisonian vestiges, if in fact there ever were any, have long since leaked out. The tube was discovered in the Ford family home in 1950 after both Henry and his wife had died. It's now on display at the Ford museum, just in case you wanted to make any last-minute amendments to your vacation plans.

    --CECIL ADAMS

    Wednesday, April 27, 2005

    He's the Lizard King, He Can Say Anything

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    According to Teddy:

    "...top officials in the Administration have endorsed interrogation methods that we've condemned in other countries, including binding prisoners in painful "stress" positions, threatening them with dogs, extended sleep deprivation, and simulated drownings1."

    1. As opposed to the real deal.

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    European A380 Airbus Lifts Off

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    Tuesday, April 26, 2005

    This Is Your Brain on Email

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    Seems email and instant messaging are all lowering your IQ. Reading this blog is undoubtedly dropping it by 20-30 points, at least. Research shows you should put down the keyboard and enter a 12-step program. Step away from the Blackberry.

    Monday, April 25, 2005

    Department of Redundancy Department

    Seems busy beavers in Congress are out to make sure free speech is allowed on the Internet. Hooray! Free speech! Novel concept. Very progressive. Imagine, being able to go online and say whatever the fuck you want without the police busting down your door or, worse, slapping you with ridiculous electioneering fines and lawsuits. What a country.

    Legistlation is like weeds. You gotta whack away at them to protect what you already have.

    Next up? Legistlation to protect your right to have rights.

    I say go back to a 90-day Congress. The country is freer when these clowns are not in session.

    To quote David Byrne: "How did we get here?"

    (hat tip Ace)

    Friday, April 22, 2005

    Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'

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  • Need help with your woman? Here's a handy scoresheet reference guide.
  • A new holiday...of sorts...
  • God wants you to have good sex. Who am I to argue?
  • Let's just hope this doesn't spill over into the food court...
  • I wonder if this guy is hiring research assistants?
  • Thursday, April 21, 2005

    Ethics Chairman Proposes Probe of DeLay

    Panel Calls NASA for Expertise

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    WASHINGTON -- House Ethics Committee Chairman 'Doc' Hastings has proposed a probe of Congressman Tom DeLay of Texas. "Listen, we could dig around in his shorts all day long and not find what we're after," said Hastings in a Capitol Hill press conference yesterday, "but it's time to take a bold new approach and drill down on this issue." Hastings, in an unprecedented step, has enlisted NASA to deploy a Deep Sphincter Probe on DeLay. The prototype probe has been dubbed Ethics Reamer I, and is based on technology created at NASA's clandestine labs in Roswell, New Mexico.

    "We've already field tested this on Anna-Marie Cox and Richard Gere with great results," Hastings insisted. "In fact we've gotten good readings at a depth up to four meters." The chairman added hastily that metric units of measurement are the galactic standard when deploying anal probes.

    When asked whether the new technology may be deployed to probe Senate and Congressional Democrats, the Democrat Senate leadership replied, "Self-examination of Democrat anal emissions has revealed no offensive odors."

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    Obligatory Pope Post

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    ...there...what a tremendous relief to get that off my 'to-do' list...

    Tuesday, April 19, 2005

    RIP Lil' Oscar

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    It was always about this time of year-- one day in early to late Spring-- that my grammar school hallways would fill with the smell of steaming buns and boiling hot dogs. At lunch we'd line up for Oscar Meyer hot dogs, twenty-five cents a piece, then filter out onto the playground and wait for the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile to arrive. Lil' Oscar would jump out, wave to the crowd of nitrate-bloated kids, and we'd file past the Wiener mobile to receive our very own Oscar Meyer Wiener Whistles, a constant annoyance to parents, teachers and neighborhood dogs.

    Lil' Oscar, George Molchan, dead at the age of 82.

    h/t Barking Moonbat Early Warning System

    Monday, April 18, 2005

    On Central American Time Until Further Notice: A Ghost in the Machine

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    I arrived home from an out-of-town assignation with my fiancée to find my computer had mysteriously reset itself to the Central American GMT time zone. I have no logical explanation for this. It is spooky. One can only assume this is some kind of portent that I am disinclined to mess around with.

    As a result, the rest of the day I will wear espadrilles, eat plantains and extol the virtues of the Pan-American highway. No Che tee-shirts, however. You have to draw the fucking line somewhere with these computer ghosts.

    Quick Takes

    John McCain may run for President in '08, but aren't you glad he wasn't Commander in Chief during the Cold War? No doubt he'd have tipped his hand right after inauguration and said, "Nukes? Naw, we'll never use 'em." Lapses like his make me wonder he isn't the real Manchurian Candidate. Still, no word from Barbara Boxer whether she'll swap a supra-majority vote on justices for a re-written Constitution which calls for a supra-majority to elect U.S. Senators. Just seems fair to me.

    Ted Nugent addressed the national convention of the NRA in Houston this weekend, espousing such politically incorrect sentiments as shooting rapists, child molesters and burglars. If he were a tenured faculty member at an Ivy league school there would be an immediate inquiry. Since, thankfully, he isn't an academic, the only punishment that can be meted out on poor Ted is for liberals to burn their copies of Cat Scratch Fever. But burning vinyl or CDs probably violates some EPA guideline. Quite a quandary there. Meanwhile, Michael Jackson couldn't be reached for comment.

    Tom DeLay is fighting off Dems like a horde of unruly locusts nibbling at his ears. Why not let the Dems investigate? It'll give Shumer, Frank and Feinstein something to do. Who knows, maybe they'll be too busy to filibuster judicial nominations? And make a sweet deal-- investigate DeLay's trips if Congress can investigate trips by all congressmen. That ought to be fun for all. Nothing like a little non-partisan navel gazing to set things straight for the public.

    Friday, April 15, 2005

    Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'

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  • And all this time, you thought comic books were safe?
  • Feathers-- a maligned and much overlooked pastime.
  • Possibilities? Endless....
  • A much sweeter alternative to the silicon-versus-saline breast implant controversy.

  • Finally! Worthwhile history... (h/t Itsapundit)
  • Thursday, April 14, 2005

    Crabgrass

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    I'm getting bored with politics. There have been no new scandals in months, Ted Kennedy hasn't uttered one stupid, public syllable in weeks and aside from Kofi Annan, everything is going just so damned well in the world these days. Enough to make a blogger feel ill. Sure, I could get my boxer-briefs in a twist over social cons versus neo cons, Tom Delay's hijinks or even whether the Wonkette has ever been ass fucked, but I have far better Lake Perch to fry. After all, it's spring in Chicago, a fresh bag of Scott's Weed 'n Feed beckons, and an old man's fancy turns to crabgrass.

    Will someone please wake up Michael Moore or introduce outrageous legislation?

    Tuesday, April 12, 2005

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    Friday, April 08, 2005

    Freakin' Friday Softcore Surfin'

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  • What rymes with orange?
  • Ink blot test: What do you see?
  • Any bets on how few dates this guy gets?
  • Instructive video for women who have difficulties controlling those urges...
  • Monday, April 04, 2005

    Tsunami Unearths Alien Space Craft

    An astounding discovery of cosmic proportions has been made in the wake of the horrific Asian tsunami that has killed more than 150,000 men, women and children. Weekly World News has learned from a respected scientific source that rescuers searching for survivors of the December 26 monster wave stumbled across a UFO half buried in the beach on Hong Island, a remote isle off the coast of Thailand.

    "She turned out to be a Montana schoolteacher who vanished on her way to a Halloween party," says Dr. Wilton. "Her clothes, including the Martha Stewart mask she was wearing at the time, were found neatly folded in a cubbyhole."


    ...good to know those thoughful aliens provide cubbyholes. One of my greatest fears in life is where I'll put my car keys if I'm ever abducted.

    If Lenny Bruce Were Alive Today

    ...he'd jam a laudanum feeding tube down his throat while throwing empty gin bottles at his TV showing an endless loop of Jon Stewart's Daily Show. Then he might die. Again.

    Shameless Web Spider Bait

    michael jackson porn horde...jane fonda pastrami humping...nude camel riding whores...debbie gibson extremely nude...jeff gannon jeff gannon jeff gannon scott mcclellan slut...debbie gibson humping jane fonda...sean hannity meanage-a-trois...midget fuck fest...whores riding nude camels...nude debbie gibson pastrami gannon...dick cheney pastrami humping michael jackson on extremely nude WMD...hannity midget fisting...midget riding debbie gibson...nude WMD pastrami fisting gibson...sponge bob...

    National Poetry Month

    We Want Poems We Can Understand
    If a monkey drives a car
    down a colonnade facing the sea
    and the palm trees to the left are tin
    we don't understand it.

    We want poems we can understand.
    We want a god to lead us,
    renaming the flowers and trees,
    color-coding the scene,

    doing bird calls for guests.
    We want poems we can understand,
    no sullen drunks making passes
    next to an armadillo, no complex nothingness

    amounting to a song,
    no running in and out of walls
    on the dry tongue of a mouse,
    no bludgeoness, no girl, no sea that moves

    with all deliberate speed, beside itself
    and blue as water, inside itself and still,
    no lizards on the table becoming absolute hands.
    We want poetry we can understand,

    the fingerprints on mother's dress,
    pain of martyrs, scientists.
    Please, no rabbit taking a rabbit
    out of a yellow hat, no tattooed back

    facing miles of desert, no wind.
    We don't understand it.

    --Paul Hoover

    Premise on the Verge of a Bad Screenplay #16

    As the symbolic white smoke rises from the papal chimney signifying the election of the new pontiff, Georgio, sitting in Vatican Square, swears he smells an Arby's Market-Fresh BLT.

    ProfShade's News Predictions

  • Pat Sajak will be selected Pope after ten ballots.
  • Fine print in the U.N. Oil-for-Food report reveals that among the 3,000 documents 'mistakenly' shredded last year were Kofi Annan's condominium by-laws, the lease on his limited edition Hummer 2 and his employment contract with the U.N.
  • Syria's Assad will be drafted by the Chicago Bulls, thereby ending the stalemate in Lebanon and solving the Bull's power forward problem.
  • Michael Shiavo will experience a massive heart attack, depriving his brain of oxygen for 14 minutes.
  • Michael Moore will undergo gastric by-pass surgery on all eight of his stomachs at the University of Wisconsin School of Veterinary Sciences.
  • Recognizing the utility of the filibuster, Barbara Boxer will introduce a bill that requires all Senators be elected only by a supra-majority of 60% of the popular electoral vote or more.
  • In response to continued sagging ratings, CNN will hire Terry McAulife, Bob Shrum and Paul Krugman to replace Aaron Brown. Brown will be re-assigned as a roving 'ersatz gravitas' reporter.
  • Jane's Only Regrets

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  • Only exposed one breast at a time in Barbarella
  • The anti-aircraft gun wasn't functional at the time
  • Most Vietnamese didn't have a freakin' clue who the hell she was
  • Had to return helmet
  • Couldn't talk Turner into Sunday Morning CNN show 'Disgrace the Nation'
  • Work-out tapes never made it to DVD
  • More threesomes would have meant more book sales
  • Wednesday, March 30, 2005

    Breaking: Pope on Feeding Tube

    VATICAN CITY — Pope John Paul II is getting nutrition from a tube in his nose, the Vatican said Wednesday, shortly after the frail pontiff appeared at his window in St. Peter's Square and managed only a rasp when he tried to speak.
    _________

    A Vatican spokesman went on to assert emphatically that Michael Schiavo is not the Pope's legal guardian despite wide-spread rumors in the media.

    Tuesday, March 29, 2005

    Working Conditions

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    I just rolled back my chair from the desk and heard a repeated, annoying squeak-squeak-squeak only to find I'd rolled over the neck of a diminutive, three-inch Norwegian field mouse. It took me three swats from a rolled-up issue of Reason Magazine to put it out of its misery. Yeah, there's lots of symbolism there, along with the splotch of mouse death throe puke left on the carpet. But living outside of Chicago, we take this as a routine sign of Spring. Send Carpet Fresh and donuts ASAP, please.

    Quick Takes

    Jesse Jackson's a busy boy; after a radio interview with Michael Jackson, he held a prayer for Terri with the Schindlers. Stange bedfellows? Don't go there, on any level, in either scenario. You'll go blind.
    Kofi Annan says 'hell no' to suggestions he'll resign from the U.N. The way he sees it, only a firing will yield a generous severance package and a lucrative made-for-Al-Jazeera mini-series. Cashing those stashed oil vouchers will be less problematic as well.
    John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Hillary Clinton, Howard Dean, Michael Moore, Dick Durbin, Alec Baldwin, Cameron Diaz, Margaret Cho, John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Linda Ronstadt, Babs Streisand and Lyndon Johnson have not said anything stupid in nearly three weeks. Yeah, I know, that's redundant. It's a concerted conspiracy to thwart right-wing humor, damit. At least LBJ has an excuse.

    Monday, March 28, 2005

    Calling All Entrepreneurs

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    Please put down your business plans and step away from your next start-up. Who the hell needs another dot.com portal for travel or yet another spam blocker? We are in desperate need of energetic, thoughtful individuals with a keen eye toward training and challenging our next generation. You'll have to give up long hours, ulcers, recalcitrant investors and board members, threats of bankruptcy and the thrill of job creation in exchange for:
  • 8-month work year.
  • Job for life-- no firings here if things go wrong.
  • Great medical and retirement benefits.
  • Virtually no executive decisions required.
  • Negligible travel.

    If you're interested, see our free information here, and get started on an exciting, secure new career today.
  • Wednesday, March 23, 2005

    From your heart...

    Say it with flair, say it with panache, write it in blood!

    Kofi's Korner

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    That lovable little scamp at the U.N. is up to more fun. How does U.N. reform sound? Kofi provides some 'suggestions' here. But Mr. Annan missed these:

  • Limiting Security Council membership to countries with standing, effective militaries, with the understanding these member armies will be used if the Council votes for intervention.
  • Eliminate all U.N. voting privelages to countries that do not have free, democratic governments.
  • Public oversite of all U.N. expenditures.
  • Condeming and outlawing, by name, organizations that advocate and/or support terrorism.
  • Remove all U.N. presence from Third World development.
  • Kofi Annan's immediate resignation.