...if Chevy Chase were interviewed by Christopher Hitchens at the Day's Inn Motorlodge in Sandusky, Ohio
Hitchens: I'll get right to the point, Mr. Chase. Your recent remarks at the People for the American Way fête held at the Kennedy Center last evening have some people quite perplexed.
Chase: Fuck Bush.
Hitchens: I see. Would you care to elaborate on that remark, or should I just verbally perform a colostomy on you right now and dispense with the niceties?
Chase: Fucker. Bush, I mean. Fuck him.
Hitchens: I'm struck speechless, no small feat, by your eloquence, Mr. Chase. How did you arrive at this complex yet subtle political analysis of the President?
Chase: He's a liar. And he's dumb.
Hitchens: Wonderful supporting points to your thesis, sir, I can see there's been no intellectual moss growing beneath your feet since the filming of 'Vegas Vacation.' And the sardonic nuances, barely bubbling to the surface, add a patina of pure ordure to your delivery I might add. But let us move on as it's getting late and the Shoney's buffet is 'nigh on closing...critics might dismiss your comments, and those of your 'Chimp-Hitler' colleagues as the equivalent of narcissistic adolescent rantings, akin to a teenager grounded for smoking pot, and, having no logical or defensible mode of retort, resorts to lashing out with coarse and vulgar language in a last ditch effort for ego enforcement. Of course they'd be unable to parse beneath the crafty nature of your seemingly childish pronouncements to the deeper, more primal underscoring of existential angst at the core of your presentation, correct?
Chase: Bush is a fucking liar.
Hitchens: As one would expect. I hope this has been as enlightening an experience for you as it has for me, Mr. Chase.
Chase: But I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.
Hitchens: That and $7.99 will allow you to join me at the buffet just around the corner. I must forewarn you, however, coffee is extra.