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Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Blood-Sucking Lizard Terrorizes D.C.!
Alderman Berry Urges Calm, Quaaludes

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AP-- Alarmed citizens and police alike are on the look-out for a giant blood-sucking lizard believed to be loose on the streets of Washington, D.C. While some eye-witnesses have claimed the beast has a 'human-like' head and was heard pontificating about the Iraq war while ripping the limbs from its latest victim south of the mall, District of Columbia Chief of Police Ramsey remarked in a press conference this morning, "That's nonsense. Pure hooey. A monster like this cannot possibly be human."

Origins of the Beast
Scientists in Boston, Massachusetts believe they have traced the origin of the monster to a 'hot spot' deep under the city streets. "There appears to be this big, god-damned hole under downtown Boston," said MIT paleontologist Martin Fenton. "We think it's where the beast hatched. It may be its 'lair,' to use a technical lizard kind of term. This 'lair' stretches for miles and miles. It's leaky, moist, and very costly, so it's the perfect environment for this kind of creature."

First Encounter
It is believed the first encounter with the beast may have been with a reader of the ever-popular 'Miss Lonelyparts' advice column in the Washington Tattler. A detailed account of the monster's stalking techniques is revealed in a letter to the columnist, who at first, dismissed the threat. "How was I to know he posed such a menace?" Miss Lonelyparts said in an interview today. "I'm used to fielding questions regarding genital warts and bridal etiquette!"