Dear Miss Lonelyparts,
I'm a 'professional' woman, if you get my drift, and I'm much worried about one of my best 'lovers.' Seems ever since he was passed over for some hot-stuff award out in Hollywood he's been, 'off his feed,' so-to-speak. In the past I could count on him for four or five large every week for doing easy fluff-n-stuff, maybe 15 minutes of my time, tops, including brushing my teeth and suffering through chit-chat about how the Democratic party has lost its balls. He has a real fixation on that for some reason. That and chili-cheese burritos.
Anyway, my question to you is how can I get this guy's tripod back in order? If we don't get to a money shot here soon, I'm going to experience some serious cash flow problems.
Dear Cash Strapped,
My guess is your lover is questioning his sexuality. This 'castrated' party fixation is a projection of his own lack of virility. Does he lash out at authority figures with irrational and delusional tirades? Has he taken a sudden interest in his appearance? Has he given up counting votes in Ohio? All of these are tell-tale signs of a sexual aphasia not easily cured. Sex therapists in Kentucky have experimented with a recent technique where the subject is strapped into a dentist chair with his eyes propped open and shown 'The Passion of the Christ' in a 24-hour loop. I'm not sure this is called for in your case. As your 'lover' already has shown a penchant for Tex-Mex food, might I suggest alternating compresses of hot and cold salsa to the affected area? Even if you don't get results, you'll have a nutritious snack!
Best of Luck!