Free invisible hit counter ProfShade

Monday, February 07, 2005

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Dear Miss Lonelyparts,
I'm a 'professional' woman, if you get my drift, and I'm much worried about one of my best 'lovers.' Seems ever since he was passed over for some hot-stuff award out in Hollywood he's been, 'off his feed,' so-to-speak. In the past I could count on him for four or five large every week for doing easy fluff-n-stuff, maybe 15 minutes of my time, tops, including brushing my teeth and suffering through chit-chat about how the Democratic party has lost its balls. He has a real fixation on that for some reason. That and chili-cheese burritos.

Anyway, my question to you is how can I get this guy's tripod back in order? If we don't get to a money shot here soon, I'm going to experience some serious cash flow problems.

Signed,
Cash Strapped

Dear Cash Strapped,
My guess is your lover is questioning his sexuality. This 'castrated' party fixation is a projection of his own lack of virility. Does he lash out at authority figures with irrational and delusional tirades? Has he taken a sudden interest in his appearance? Has he given up counting votes in Ohio? All of these are tell-tale signs of a sexual aphasia not easily cured. Sex therapists in Kentucky have experimented with a recent technique where the subject is strapped into a dentist chair with his eyes propped open and shown 'The Passion of the Christ' in a 24-hour loop. I'm not sure this is called for in your case. As your 'lover' already has shown a penchant for Tex-Mex food, might I suggest alternating compresses of hot and cold salsa to the affected area? Even if you don't get results, you'll have a nutritious snack!

Best of Luck!
Miss Lonelyparts