Free invisible hit counter ProfShade: History of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Friday, February 25, 2005

History of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Part One: The Birth of a Cabal

Image Hosted by
Image Hosted by
1943 – It began in the final days of World War II. Eisenhower, commandeering Der Furher’s suicide bunker in Berlin, uses a garlic press to extract sperm from Adolph Hitler’s remaining testicle and smuggles the smut to U.S. military scientists in King of Prussia, PA. A dozen unsuspecting war widows are impregnated during routine gynecological exams throughout the continental U.S.

1944 – Of the twelve original Hitler mothers, only eight give birth to full-term babies. Three miscarry, and one is aborted by its mother in the pantry of a Hyannis Port mansion, the desperate mother using only a lizard’s tail and a liberal douche of 20-year-old-scotch to abort the fetus. It’s evil twin, however, unbeknownst to the mother, survives in the womb and later drops from between her legs while she’s trimming hedges at the mansion. The baby boy slithers off unnoticed, in search of whisky.

Ike and Churchill create Communism in Yalta by slipping Joseph Stalin 50 bucks, a box of cigars and a white slave named Natasha. Great Britain still owes us for their half of the cigars.
Image Hosted by
1945—At the close of the war, Eisenhower secretly declares himself ‘Emperor of the World’ and informs all U.S. intelligence agencies that they will report directly to him or face the same fate as the Third Reich, Tojo, Mussolini and Mamie. This is made expediently easy as J. Edgar Hoover,director of the FBI, is enthralled and enamored by Ike’s command of the Allied Forces, and becomes Eisenhower’s bitch -slave. Hoover turns over all incriminating photos, files and tapes on virtually every public official in the U.S. to ‘Emperor’ Ike. These files are still kept in Salt Lake City, disguised as the mammoth ‘genealogy’ project of the Mormon Church. Special glasses, created by Dr. Polaroid, are required to read these files; otherwise they look like normal birth records and credit card tithing receipts. Truman senses something is amiss, but chalks it up to neuralgia and latent Communist yearnings.

An escaped fascist scientist from Italy is coerced by Ike to invent thought machines for the broad dissemination of total mind control over the populace of the world. Ike is distraught it only projects in black-and-white and sentences him to become J. Edgar Hoover’s life-long handmaiden.
Image Hosted by
Meanwhile, J. Edgar Hoover senses Ike is gaining too much power and develops the ‘Mafia,’ and with the aid of his Italian scientist-cosmetologist-servant, performs sartorial and linguistic miracles by doing an extreme makeover on the ‘Dead End Kids,’ whose careers had been sagging since it was discovered Huntz Hall ate three to six live babies for breakfast each day. The made-over ‘Kids’ are dispatched to major cities to begin racketeering as soon as possible.

After having sex with a Russian ballerina, Truman’s penis turns bright red and falls off—the U.N. is born.

1946 – Aluminum foil is invented to protect Emperor Ike’s Elite Guard from the numbing rays of his thought machines. Prototype machines are shipped to Chicago and New York where initial test subjects become listless, sexless and obese. Ike is pleased. Television advertising agencies, a deep cover for mind-control content development, are hatched on Madison Avenue, the neural hub of Ike’s most powerful transmitters. The public launch of these ‘televisions’ is delayed as Hoover and Ike argue over creative differences and whether to use lavalier or boom microphones in the studio. In the end, Hoover wins a pyrrhic victory and installs his transvestite brother, Milton Berle, as its chief talent and clandestine operator.
Image Hosted by

1948 – When Truman is distracted by a loud noise in the basement of the White House, Eisenhower creates ‘Jews’ and sets up the puppet state of ‘Israel.’ Truman, suddenly sensing an imbalance in the world order, retaliates by creating ‘Palestinians,’ but has nowhere to put them.

…to be continued…