Free invisible hit counter ProfShade: History of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Episode 2

Thursday, March 03, 2005

History of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Episode 2

[Catch up with Episode 1 here: The Birth of a Cabal]

Part Two: The Secret Significance of Cigars, Bauxite and Milton Berle

1948-Stalin runs out of cigars, and when Eisenhower refuses to send a fresh box of Macanudos, the puppet Russian leader, out of spite, sends Communism Starter Kits to China and Korea, but forgets to include pledge cards or gulags.
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Meanwhile, Truman signs the Marshall Plan into effect after convincing Congress it is the best way to insure an indolent and resentful Europe in the years to come. An obscure Senator named Charlie McCarthy nearly blocks the Plan by filibustering for the construction of television towers and soda shops across Europe.

Eisenhower supports Harry Truman's re-election as President after kidnapping Truman's secret love child, the result of an affair with a Communist ballerina [see: Episode 1]. The imprisoned waif is held hostage at a casino in Cuba; she in turn gives birth to a baby boy whom she names Lee Harvey. The boy is adored by Fidel Castro, his father, who is a casino worker and itinerant carnie barker. Castro teaches the young boy the art of long-range sniper rifling and cigar rolling. With Truman's love-child in his hip pocket and all of Europe erecting thought control TeeVee towers, Ike invades Jamaica to secure the strategically important bauxite mines on that island for the mass production of aluminum foil. Jamaica does not notice.

1949-With a gun pointed squarely at Truman's temple, just above his right eyebrow, Eisenhower insures that Truman signs the Unified Defense Bill which grants Eisenhower the power to kill anyone he wants, anywhere in the world, especially if any of them get all whiny and crap.

J. Edgar Hoover, while still playing bitch-slave to Ike [see: homo FBI director, Episode 1] ramps up his use of the Mafia to instill fear into the hearts and minds of local law enforcement officials and pave the way for Hollywood moguls to make a whole new genre of films involving 'gangsters.' This is provident as the Charlie Chan series had begun to flag at the box office. In gratitude for his contributions to the film industry, 429 directors, producers and writers sign blank pledge cards and donate the entire wardrobe from Gone with the Wind to J. Edgar. However, Miss Scarlet's ballroom gown needs major alterations before it is useful to Hoover.
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Truman introduces civil rights legislation into Congress, which finally makes baseball possible.

1950-The nine Hitler-bred babies [see: Hitler, garlic press, Episode 1] are leading the lives of normal American children in towns in California, Illinois, Michigan and Texas. Only one, living in Hyannis Port, seems peculiar, requiring a fifth of scotch whisky per day to survive.

Eisenhower convinces Truman to create the hydrogen bomb because it sounds cool.

1951-Truman takes a two-year nap.

1952-Truman wakes up to discover Communism is in Korea and sends boats over there to fuck around with things while the U.N. hastily writes something called 'resolutions.'
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With his puppet empire of Communism on the rise as a forceful wedge into the soft TeeVee-numbed mush of the American mind [see: Milton Berle mind control, Episode 1] and an ineffectual and dickless Democrat president [see: sexually transmitted castration, Episode 1] running out his second term, the Secret Emperor of the World, Dwight D. Eisenhower, sees a chance to consolidate the power of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

….next episode, The Emperor Strikes Back