Free invisible hit counter ProfShade: ProfShade's News Predictions

Monday, April 04, 2005

ProfShade's News Predictions

  • Pat Sajak will be selected Pope after ten ballots.
  • Fine print in the U.N. Oil-for-Food report reveals that among the 3,000 documents 'mistakenly' shredded last year were Kofi Annan's condominium by-laws, the lease on his limited edition Hummer 2 and his employment contract with the U.N.
  • Syria's Assad will be drafted by the Chicago Bulls, thereby ending the stalemate in Lebanon and solving the Bull's power forward problem.
  • Michael Shiavo will experience a massive heart attack, depriving his brain of oxygen for 14 minutes.
  • Michael Moore will undergo gastric by-pass surgery on all eight of his stomachs at the University of Wisconsin School of Veterinary Sciences.
  • Recognizing the utility of the filibuster, Barbara Boxer will introduce a bill that requires all Senators be elected only by a supra-majority of 60% of the popular electoral vote or more.
  • In response to continued sagging ratings, CNN will hire Terry McAulife, Bob Shrum and Paul Krugman to replace Aaron Brown. Brown will be re-assigned as a roving 'ersatz gravitas' reporter.