Pat Sajak will be selected Pope after ten ballots.
Fine print in the U.N. Oil-for-Food report reveals that among the 3,000 documents 'mistakenly' shredded last year were Kofi Annan's condominium by-laws, the lease on his limited edition Hummer 2 and his employment contract with the U.N.
Syria's Assad will be drafted by the Chicago Bulls, thereby ending the stalemate in Lebanon and solving the Bull's power forward problem.
Michael Shiavo will experience a massive heart attack, depriving his brain of oxygen for 14 minutes.
Michael Moore will undergo gastric by-pass surgery on all eight of his stomachs at the University of Wisconsin School of Veterinary Sciences.
Recognizing the utility of the filibuster, Barbara Boxer will introduce a bill that requires all Senators be elected only by a supra-majority of 60% of the popular electoral vote or more.
In response to continued sagging ratings, CNN will hire Terry McAulife, Bob Shrum and Paul Krugman to replace Aaron Brown. Brown will be re-assigned as a roving 'ersatz gravitas' reporter.